Comedy Think Tank

Saturday, January 21, 2006

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS: Unsolicited, Unwanted, and Maybe-Even-Not-Very-Good Advice
(Jan. 9, 2005)
By Chad Morris

We probably all ate more than our share of candy after Halloween, gorged ourselves on Thanksgiving, and noticed that many of the Christmas pleasantries seemed to be high in sugar and fat (for example, a cup of eggnog has 17 grams of fat, 45 grams of sugar, 745 million calories, and 1/37 of an egg.). Therefore, tradition is that as the new year rolls in we all write long lists of resolutions. Of course, it is required by law for everyone to include either “lose weight” or “get in better shape” on that list (You never hear, “this year my resolution is to put bacon and cream cheese on everything”).

And to kick off all of our lofty resolutions we celebrated New Year’s Eve. Unless your goals included partying like a drunk sailor, eating handfuls of junk, and sleeping in past noon, you probably started the year off a little counterproductively.

Before writing anymore, I wanted a clear definition of what the word “resolution” meant. So I looked it up in the dictionary. The entry read,

resolution (n) A determined plan of action that . . . um . . . well . . . I started off strong there . . . but what was I doing? Let me get back to . . . Oh look, fudge!

No, seriously. The word resolution comes from the Latin resolutus which means “a plan of action one is determined to follow, unless you didn’t write it down. Then it was just a wish. So you might as well . . . Oh look, fudge!”

No, really seriously this time. We can do this. We can make goals and achieve them. Joan of Arc didn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.” Napolean never said die. Of course, that’s mostly because neither one of them spoke English. So they also didn’t know the meaning of the word “cross-dresser,” and never said, “I’m an egocentric conqueror”. But that doesn’t change the fact that we can do this.

Before we go planning out our 2006, I would like to warn you. When people think of self-improvement they are sometimes tempted to compare themselves to those around them. And if you’re like me, you have neighbors that play 5 different musical instruments, fix their own cars, have their PhDs, trim their hedges to portray famous people in history, exercise at least every hour, and in their spare time translate the unabridged Les Miserables into rare African dialects and hand stitch bandages for the lepers in Russia. I might have exaggerated a little, but they are relentlessly good! However, most of us have to realize that if we try to keep up with these people it will lead to a small family of hernias.

Therefore, I suggest simplifying things. As I was pondering this counsel, I was reminded of a true story. Once in Salt Lake City, Utah a woman sought Brigham Young’s advice. Someone told her to “go to hell” and she didn’t know what to do. The Mormon prophet's response was brief and wise and my inspiration for my resolution. He responded, “don’t.” I think that is some solid counsel. Therefore, no matter how long and exhaustive, or short and pathetic your list of resolutions is, I recommend “don’t go to hell” should be somewhere toward the top.

Anyway, as I say goodbye, remember to be tireless and determined. Winston Churchill said, “Never, never, no never give up.” And Confucius taught “A bird without vision is like a strand of seaweed floating aimlessly in a sea of . . . Oh look fudge!”


  • I think your work really speaks subliminally to the soul of the lost. For those who are found are far more self dilusional. Keep up the work, and try to laugh more.

    By Blogger D.R.BROWN FAMILY, at 4:04 PM  

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