Comedy Think Tank

Sunday, February 12, 2006

By Chad Morris

As far as months go, February is just plain weird. It’s even spelled weird. It has the mystery ‘r’ that no one pronounces. I still remember my elementary school teacher struggling to teach my class how to spell it. I thought she was making it up. In fact, maybe she did. In my younger years I used to theorize that my teachers plotted against me. Perhaps I wasn’t far off. Maybe this is just a small example of how teachers through the ages have met after school and brainstormed ways of making education a little more torturous.

“Let’s see. How can we make kids’ lives more torturous?”

“I have an idea! Let’s give the kids a little break. No homework for the next day or two. We’ll give them a false sense of security and then—WHAM!—everyone assign unreasonable amounts of busy work on Friday.”


“Oh! And we should all be extremely vague about what the assignments are, and when they’re due.”

“Of course.”

“Any other ideas?”

“Let’s put another ‘r’ in the word ‘Febuary.’ I’m getting far too many perfect scores on my spelling tests.”

“Where would you want the extra r?”

“Who cares, as long as it doesn’t make any sense.”


“Why stop at February? Grab the dictionary and point to any word you see.”

“sycology – as in, ‘I want to study sycology.’”

“Throw an ‘h’ in there somewhere”

“Oh! And start it off with a p.”

“No one will ever see that one coming.”

“Give us another one.”

“buffay – as in, ‘I went to eat at the buffay.’”

“Throw a ‘k’ in the middle.”

“No. No. We’ve already done that. Why don’t we change the ending from ‘ay’ to ‘et’?”

“But that’s insane.”


“Whew! I haven’t had so much fun since we made of the exceptions to the-I- before-E-rule.
Anything else?”

“Yeah. I’ve being thinking. Is our calendar is too logical? Eleven months of 30 days each is way too predictable.”

“I know. Why don’t we give some months 30 days and others 31.”

“Will they just alternate? Because that would be too predictable.”

“No. Let’s have most of them alternate, but then have two in a row that have 31.”

“But have one random month with only like—Oh, I don’t know—28 days.”

“Except every fourth year give it 29!”


Yep, February is just weird. If the spelling and the amount of days isn’t enough proof, I would draw your attention to the second day of the month. That’s right, Groundhog Day. Should we really celebrate the day we turned to dumb rodents for our seasonal forecasting? It doesn’t exactly seem like leap forward. That is unless the whole holiday was meant as a good joke on our weathermen, then it’s genius. “Sorry Glen Richens, I’ve stopped watching your forecast. I find furry Phil’s shadow much more reliable.”

At least another holiday in February is based on something everyone can understand, love. Thank your lucky stars for Valentine’s Day. Amid the irrational chaos of the month, we have a day dedicated to eating chocolate and kissing each other.
Now I’ll be the first to admit, Valentine’s Day is not completely logical. For example, people give away cards and little candy hearts that say, “Will you be my Valentine?” Should we really be asking people this? Wasn’t Valentine a saint who was killed in the second century? No offense to him, but I’m really not so keen on inviting a beautiful girl to be my ancient dead man. If I’m going for romance, it just seems a little counterproductive.

Also, Cupid is a little weird. I can’t quite understand how a little naked boy with arrows and wings symbolizes love. The inventor of the cupid had to be female. Women think little naked children are sooooo cute. You don’t remember your Dad running to get the camera while little toddler you was naked in the tub. In fact, you probably don’t remember your mom running to get the camera either. Hopefully you were so young that you don’t remember anything about the whole incident. If it weren’t for those pesky scrapbooks, you’d finally be able to forget the whole thing—which would really cut down on the therapy bills.

Somehow, a woman made cupid up and he stuck. I, for one, feel sorry for him. I know that if I were forced to fly around naked with a bow and arrow, love probably wouldn’t be my biggest worry. Flying to the nearest mall and holding up the cashier for some pants might be a little higher on my priority list—especially in February.

If a man had invented the mascot I’m sure that the poor little cupid guy would have some clothes. In fact, he probably wouldn’t be a little guy at all. He would be quite large, have bulging muscles, and would definitely be equipped with some greater fire power. . . like Thor and his love hammer, or Sergeant Love and his love bazooka, or President Love with nuclear love warheads. Alright, I’m officially carried away.

If we stopped to think about the whole idea of cupid, he’s quite creepy. Some armed naked kid snooping around. If he were caught, he’d be arrested so fast.

“Honestly officer, I was just trying to help other people fall in love.”

“And how exactly was stalking around naked with a bow and arrow going to help other people fall in love?”

“It’s a magical arrow.”

“Having you been drinking?”


“Walk a straight line. Good. Now follow this light with your eyes. Okay, now spell February.”


  • February is weird. You are right on. I can't believe how darn funny you are!

    By Blogger some mormon lady..., at 5:55 PM  

  • Hiya, February is just a long list of things that I can't spell. Although I seem to remember a time when I'd win spelling bees...ah the nostalgic days before Bill Gates ruined me with his infernal spell checker!

    By Blogger dastew, at 7:50 PM  

  • You are darn funny, except for the buffay thing. Any French speaking idiot knows why it's spelled "buffet" but you aren't a French speaking idiot like I am. Anyway Chad man, you got me laughing out loud and that's hard to do in the absence of a big tub of water used to see if things float or not.

    By Blogger heffer, at 9:16 PM  

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